Saturday, February 12, 2011

Late Night

When I got home from work today I drank two cups of coffee to jazz me up for my run. Yes, I am addicted to caffeine.  The first thing is admitting it right?

Well it's 3 am now. I'm WIDE awake.  I went to Walmart with my friend and got some cute fabrics, even though I said I wasn't going to buy anymore until I used what I had (whoops), and came home, cleaned my kitchen, and sewed a shirt.  I winged it with no pattern and it turned out kind of okay. lol  Up until now I had only been making stuff for babies and toddlers.  I'd like to get good enough to make some cute shirts and summer dresses for myself as well.  Dont' mind my awesome lack of makeup, I had already washed my  makeup off for the day after my run (3.1 miles today woot woot!).

I have a lot on my mind lately.  I am feeling a lot of stress and anxiety over my job.  When I was finishing up my Masters degree in 2007, I was so terribly stressed out that I had a lot of medical issues related to stress.  Life settled down a bit (work stress wise) and I have been fine, but now my problems are coming back.  Migraines, stomach problems, insomnia---just waiting now for my shingles to come back! Geesh!

My husband and I have been talking a lot about finding a way for me to be at home with Mimi and work part time from home.  As we delve into the ideas of changing jobs, possibly moving, etc. I can't help but daydream what life could be like if our "plan" really came to be.  Will being home fulltime with Mimi make my stress go away? Will I get a new set of stressors like anxiety over my career (or loss of it), and consequently the guilt over wanting to work out of the home?  Will I constantly be bothered by the fact that my husband supports us? Will I feel like my PhD was a waste of precious time, money, and energy as I stay home raising babies and leaving a giant 5 year gap on my resume?  Am I selfish and a horrible mother for even thinking these things?  See why I can't sleep?

Well in my insomnia, I baked two loaves of bread for us to have with breakfast Good thing I bought coffee, when Mimi wakes up in 3 hours I'm going to be hurting!  My husband (unlike perfect husbands like Courtney's) does not know what letting your wife sleep in means.   He thinks if he and Mimi are up, they should pounce on me and wake me up too.  Hell, why not let Buddy our 70lb lab on the bed too?  Mommy doesn't need sleep.  Ugh, well atleast my house smells like freshly baked bread right?


Meghann said...

i'm up at 3 a.m. too. i also will get pounced on by my hubs and carter in a few hours. but don't you feel so much more creative when you're up late and your mind is all loopy? i'm so excited to have "me" time right now that i just don't want it to end. so the hours go on and on tonight!
yes, you'll feel guilty staying home. for me personally, it's not something i feel like i can be proud of. but, i love it so much that my happiness being with carter and doing whatever i want with him all day definitely outweighs my negative thoughts. not every day is awesome, but i love feeling like i have all the time in the world and i've pretty much talked myself into not caring what anyone else thinks/judges/etc. i so hope you get to do it someday soon!!

Jess Craig said...

you made that?! wth!? suzy homemaker you.

Kyle and Court said...

Ummm, my "perfect" husband does that too. The whole, bring the whole family in for a visit when I am suppose to be sleeping in thing.

Life With Collin said...

Aww... I don't know why Meghann wouldn't be proud to be a stay at home mom, I have talked to many who went back to work because they said being a stay at home mom was the hardest job they ever had, and I agree. It's a 24 hr 7 day a week job with no sick days, weekends, lunch breaks or vacations but I love it. If you do decide to stay at home I recommend checking out and finding a play group in your area for stay at home moms. I did it and I love my play group I have made so many awesome friends, and so has my son (16 months old). I have a friend who does medical transcription from home after their kids go to sleep, that seems to work for them still letting them be SAHM's and still bringing in an income, and that would take care of your 5 year gap in resume. Raising children is the hardest/most satisfying job ever and if you can be the one to take care of them all day why not do it? <3