Friday, May 7, 2010

Mommy Guilt

So----exciting news I guess---I have accepted a full time position with the Univeristy that starts May 24th! This job sounds like it is going to be an exciting career move for me. Unfortunately I had to resign from the my research fellowship to take it. It was a really tough decision. After talking it over with my husband, my advisor, our student affairs coordinator, I have decided it is in my best interest to take this position.

It is a scary world out there right now in the job market. I have well-qualified friends with Masters degrees who can't find work. I have members of our lab who graduated last year with the same qualification I have and are willing to move anywhere in the country who can't find work----

I have been applying for positions since December, and this is the first job in my field that has materialized into anything--that is so scary. My choice was to either leave my fellowship and take this job, or HOPE that if I waited until August (the end of my fellowship) that another LOCAL job in my field would come along---I just couldn't risk that. We have a mortgage and a family. This job ensures that our family will continue to live at our current lifestyle and my daughter will get to remain at her current daycare fulltime.

Which brings me to the topic of my blog---MOMMY GUILT.
Part of me is so excited for this job--to work with other scientist on excited research topics, travel, etc....but part of me looked at the calendar and realized I will only get to be home with my little girl for 2 more weeks during the weekdays. Right now she is going to daycare 2 days a week. I have grown used to this, I work those two days and look forward to the other two/three days home with her in our jammies playing with toys and cuddling up to nurse. At the end of June she will start daycare 5 days a week full time. I feel horrible about this. What if she likes the lady that runs the daycare more than me? What if the lady at the daycare sees her take her first steps before me!? Am I a horrible mother? Will I miss her too much? Will the weekends be enough?

I try to tell myself that she LOVES the daycare. She gets to play outside, be with other kids, and get taken care of by someone I know really well and someone who loves her. I remind myself that not many parents have the opportunity to stay home with their babies for almost 11 months like I have. I feel blessed that I found a job so that we can provide for her and not have extreme financial stress on our family. I feel blessed that I found a job locally so I can maximize the time I will get with her at the end of the day before bedtime. Some of the other jobs I applied for were up to an hours drive away.

So I guess the guilt won't go away, but I can sit here and rationalize that this whole situation is a good thing. In any case---I will be savoring every moment with my child this next 2 weeks. I will kiss her fat face all day and sit and play and take her to the park and swim and do it all!

I love her so much, I hope I made the right decision.


Kammy'sMama said...

Good for you for getting a fantastic job!! As far as the guilt goes, its normal for you to feel that way, I'm sure any mom who works does. I think you have a really good/rational outlook on the whole idea and I'm sure in the future, your daughter will in retrospect appreciate your intelligence and the example that you are setting for her to pursue her own education and career. good luck to you and enjoy those two weeks with Mimi :)

Jess Craig said...

gosh, you're a real scientist?! that's amazing.