Instant Anxiety

So far this pregnancy, I've been really "comfortable" yet cautious with how things were going.  When I  had my first apt with my new OB practice and they told me I'd need to see a fetal maternal specialist because of my chronic hypertension, I felt scared.  As I progressed from 8 weeks past 20 weeks, visiting both the OB and the specialist on a regular basis, along with monthly growth scans, I started to feel really comfortable, even confident that I'd carry to term with no real problems.

I was blind sided this week (week 28) by not only failing my glucose test, which is surprising to me after following a pretty strict primal eating plan since last January, BUT I also had some disheartening news at our most recent growth scan.  At 25 week, my growth scan showed Gummy Bear being in the 43rd percentile for growth, not too shabby.  Alas, this week they show Gummy being only in the 10th percentile.  I'm not upset with the specific numbers, because I know ultrasounds are not 100% accurate.  I'm more concerned that the numbers dropped so much in just 3 weeks.  If the doctor told me Gummy was in the 20 or 30's for weight/size percentile I don't think I'd be as anxious.

Basically the fetal maternal specialist told me that I'm not diagnosed as having Inter Uterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) yet, but if Gummy drops below 10 they want to talk early c-section. Scary.  I spent the day trying not to get upset.  I tried to be optimistic and positive.  I even reassured my husband that it doesn't mean anything yet.  We will have weekly growth scans from here on out.  Regardless of whether I make it term or not, this baby will be smaller than expected.

I of course ran out to Carters and bought some newborn sleepers, using consumer therapy to soothe my fears.  Then I went home and opened up the bin of clothes I saved from Mimi's infancy, sorted, organized and made piles to wash.  Really Jen? At 28 weeks you're washing onesies?  Shit I even contemplated packing a hospital bag.  Then I saw how irrational I was acting.  I stopped.

I woke up today feeling crampy and not noticing any of my normal "good morning" kicks from Gummy.  Of course I panicked, ate a huge croissant (figured carbs can't hurt my poor lean baby), and a fruit smoothly and laid on my couch poking at my poor belly hoping for reassuring kicks.  I was able to elucidate a fairly week response from gummy.  I spent the day worrying, fretting, daydreaming of bad outcomes, second guessing my diet and weight gain, all things any mom would do.

Luckily, as I sit here tonight on the couch relaxing with my husband I have been slammed by one huge kick after another from Gummy.  Big enough kicks to move my body around.  Gummy may be small, but he/she is in there still kickin'.

I'm going to try and relax and have faith in my doctors that all will be okay.  Hopefully Gummy's numbers improve next week and I can at least stop daydreaming of having my poor baby in a NICU for two months before I can bring him/her home.

Here I am in all my bump showing glory at 28 weeks pregnant.