You look so small

Sometimes I read forums on babycenter and whattoexpect.com where other December 2012 Moms posts topics, questions, photos, etc. You find a lot of stupid crap, but one day I read a post about things people say to you when you're pregnant that bother you. There were a lot of silly ones, like people hating being called "preggers" which reminded me how mad my friend got when I called her baby "nubs" when she became obsessed about the "nub theory" of determining the baby's sex in early ultrasounds...my point is we all have things that may seem silly to others, but they really bother us.

There are two things that people say to me that I really with wish they wouldn't. One is the title of this post "wow you look so small!" now don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my self control through this pregnancy in fighting my cravings and gaining only the recommended weight. But when your doctor is telling you your baby is growth restricted and not getting the nutrient it needs, and people keep telling you (however innocently) how "small" your belly looks for your gestational age, it really makes you want to cry and second guess everything you eat (or don't eat) and everything you do with your body. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I look small. I met a lady today at the deli that was ) weeks ahead of me and we were sporting the same size bellies! I also want to point out that I forced myself to eat my entire grilled cheese and salad, even though I was full after half out of guilt and anxiety over this whole growth restricted thing.

The second thing that gets to me is when people (including my own mother) like to remark how "hard this pregnancy has been" for me when
I fill them in on what's going on. I know this pregnancy hasn't been perfect, but I try so hard to stay focused on positive things surrounding my pregnancy and that is really hard when people keep reminding me of all the bad stuff! So I have Hypertension, so my baby is
Growth restricted, so I failed mg blood glucose test, so I have a BAZILLION doctor apts... You know what? So far this baby is doing ok, I'm still up
And mobile, and I have great doctors an insurance to cover them. I am able to conceive and carry my own babies. I have a loving husband who takes care of me and a little bright three year-old gearing up to be one darn good big sister.

Life is good.

Obligatory Pumpkin Patch Trip

I didn't know if I'd make it to the pumpkin patch today as planned.  I've been pretty sick all week and the weather was looking pretty iffy...

Alas, we made our way out to Elgin today for our annual trip to the "Elgin Christmas Tree Farm" pumpkin festival.  It actually worked out perfectly.  My husband was working from home and needed some quiet, and the overcast clouds kept the weather cooler and offered a nice breeze.

If you live in Austin (or near Elgin for that matter), please take your kids to this place.  It's $5 per person, but if you sign up for their newsletter via email you can get a buy one get one free admission, and I think kids under two are free.

We packed our lunches, put on our "festive" orange colored clothing, and made the 45-minute trip out to Elgin.  This place has farm animals (that bite so watch out), pumpkin decorating, hayrides, playgrounds, picnic areas (all free) and a train ride for $2 per person.  We easily spend 3 hours there playing and riding.

I have to laugh, where I grew up, in mid-october I'd be wearing some sort of jacket, and certainly not shorts!  Mimi and I actually could have used some sunscreen, and more water.  I'll have to take Mimi up to my Mom's place in upstate NY some fall so she can see what fall really is like.

Enjoy some photos!

Instant Anxiety

So far this pregnancy, I've been really "comfortable" yet cautious with how things were going.  When I  had my first apt with my new OB practice and they told me I'd need to see a fetal maternal specialist because of my chronic hypertension, I felt scared.  As I progressed from 8 weeks past 20 weeks, visiting both the OB and the specialist on a regular basis, along with monthly growth scans, I started to feel really comfortable, even confident that I'd carry to term with no real problems.

I was blind sided this week (week 28) by not only failing my glucose test, which is surprising to me after following a pretty strict primal eating plan since last January, BUT I also had some disheartening news at our most recent growth scan.  At 25 week, my growth scan showed Gummy Bear being in the 43rd percentile for growth, not too shabby.  Alas, this week they show Gummy being only in the 10th percentile.  I'm not upset with the specific numbers, because I know ultrasounds are not 100% accurate.  I'm more concerned that the numbers dropped so much in just 3 weeks.  If the doctor told me Gummy was in the 20 or 30's for weight/size percentile I don't think I'd be as anxious.

Basically the fetal maternal specialist told me that I'm not diagnosed as having Inter Uterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) yet, but if Gummy drops below 10 they want to talk early c-section. Scary.  I spent the day trying not to get upset.  I tried to be optimistic and positive.  I even reassured my husband that it doesn't mean anything yet.  We will have weekly growth scans from here on out.  Regardless of whether I make it term or not, this baby will be smaller than expected.

I of course ran out to Carters and bought some newborn sleepers, using consumer therapy to soothe my fears.  Then I went home and opened up the bin of clothes I saved from Mimi's infancy, sorted, organized and made piles to wash.  Really Jen? At 28 weeks you're washing onesies?  Shit I even contemplated packing a hospital bag.  Then I saw how irrational I was acting.  I stopped.

I woke up today feeling crampy and not noticing any of my normal "good morning" kicks from Gummy.  Of course I panicked, ate a huge croissant (figured carbs can't hurt my poor lean baby), and a fruit smoothly and laid on my couch poking at my poor belly hoping for reassuring kicks.  I was able to elucidate a fairly week response from gummy.  I spent the day worrying, fretting, daydreaming of bad outcomes, second guessing my diet and weight gain, all things any mom would do.

Luckily, as I sit here tonight on the couch relaxing with my husband I have been slammed by one huge kick after another from Gummy.  Big enough kicks to move my body around.  Gummy may be small, but he/she is in there still kickin'.

I'm going to try and relax and have faith in my doctors that all will be okay.  Hopefully Gummy's numbers improve next week and I can at least stop daydreaming of having my poor baby in a NICU for two months before I can bring him/her home.

Here I am in all my bump showing glory at 28 weeks pregnant.